One man said to the other, “I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know that her first name was Always.” “Always Right.” (“Always Right.”) She’s really happy, isn’t she? She laughs the loudest and laughs continuously at anything at all. I like happy people. Especially when she spends somebody else’s. Now I’ve learned the secret to being happy. All I do is just “look for a guy, you know, to be a successful woman.” Look for a guy who earns a lot of money. You earn a lot of money? (Decent.) Where are you? In America? (Missouri. Yes.) Do you have a brother? Another brother, Professor?
OK. Listen here. A guy was in a restaurant… Oh, why [is it] always about guys here? …trying to plow his way through a revolting meal. Must be very terrible food. After a little while, he called the waiter over and said, “Waiter, bring the chef out here, I want to complain about the quality of this disgusting stuff that you have served me.” He said, “Disgusting muck,” really. So the waiter looked apologetic, “I’m afraid you will have to wait for half an hour, sir. He’s just popped out to get something to eat.” (Oh.) He can’t eat his own. Right? No wonder.
“There are only two ways to handle a woman.” (Be careful.) “And no man ever knows either of them.”
Some people ask [about] the secret of our long marriage. “We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week, a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.” That’s their secret. “She goes Wednesday’s, I go Saturday’s.” That’s a surprise, such a surprise. I forgot. That was really a surprise. It’s very good that I’m also absent-minded, so I can enjoy the joke two times. See, before I read it to you, I scan it all first, mostly to see if it’s repeated. If I were not that absent-minded, I could remember the past joke. If it’s recent, I remember. Sometimes it’s too long, I forget also. I keep calling everybody, “Did you hear that joke? Did you hear that joke? Did you? No. OK then. I choose it.” Mostly I would remember, but sometimes not.
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. “What the heck are you doing holding on to my dinner like that!!” Screamed the customer. So, the waiter said, “What? You want it to fall on the floor again?” It’s so terrible, terrible joke! If he doesn’t hold on to it, then disaster happens again. Oh, my God.
A customer was bothering the waiter in the restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, and then he asked it to be turned down because he was too cold, and so on and so forth, for about half an hour long. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient and walked back and forth, back and forth, and never once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked him why was he so patient and didn’t get angry at the customer at all. So the waiter smiled and said, “Oh, I don’t care. We don’t even have an air conditioner.” Just, “Yes, sir,” “No, sir.” No air conditioner.
Where are you from, Choco? (Philadelphia.) Philadelphia? Who did your hair? I want to know. (My daughter.) Oh, yes? She’s a hairdresser? (No.) Or just do it with love? (Yes, she did it with love.) Wow, it’s beautiful, hey? I’ve never seen such an unusual hairstyle before. Have you? (No.) So beautiful, take a photo, and have a look. It’s so beautiful. (Beautiful.) (Yes.) Isn’t it beautiful? (Yes. Yes.) It looks like [there are] so many chocolate chips on it. It’s really beautiful. Really unusual. If she is a hairdresser, she would’ve probably won some medal. “Hairdresser of the Year” or something. How does she do that? So cute. (Well, she just… It’s easy, you just twirl it around. She twirled it.) Yeah, that’s it? Wow. It’s really original.
Johnny’s wife was not so good with money and, determined to economize, he had decided to have a talk with her about it. He was hoping. So the following day he met up with his mate. The mate said, “So, do you think your little talk worked?” So, Johnny said, “Yeah, I think so. I’m going to give up drinking and smoking.” “Economize.” He wanted to tell the wife to economize, but then she told him to stop smoking and drinking. That’s also (Yes.) economizing. That’s even better for him, no? (Yes.) Good, good. That’s how they save money.
“Despite whatever anybody else says, he denies that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.” (Yes.) We had that before.
A wife said to her husband… How come they only have wife, husband, husband, wife, wife, husband all the time? What’s wrong with these people? A wife said to her husband, “Honey, I can’t get the car started. I think it’s flooded.” So the husband said, “Where is it?” The wife said, “I am in the swimming pool.” The car is in the swimming pool. Husband said, “OK, it’s flooded.” He just wanted to make sure. It happens. (Yes.)
This guy was very drunk and zig-zig, zag-zag. He got into his car and decided that the best thing for him to do would be to follow the rear lights of another car that was just pulling out. Everything was fine for about five miles until the lights of the car in front went out and the drunk driver smashed into the back of the front car. So the drunk driver came out and screamed, “Hey, what do you think you’re doing, turning your light off just like that? It’s so black, so dark!” So, the man in the front also got out and said, “What do you expect me to do? I’m in my own garage.”
There are a lot of jokes. How long have we been here already, guys? Tell me honestly. One hour? How many hours? Don’t know? (One hour, 40 minutes, I think.) So almost like two hours. Right? The guy from New Zealand before, he’s very good with watches, go ask him how long. You’re still laughing, so we continue. (Yes.)
Husband: “Where is yesterday’s newspaper?” The wife said, “I wrapped the garbage in it.” The husband said, “Oh, I wanted to read it.” So the wife said, “There wasn’t much to see. Just some orange peels and coffee grounds.”
From the pub, a drunk decides to go and see a late-night film. After buying a ticket, he staggers into the cinema, only to return two minutes after to buy another ticket and staggers in again. Two minutes later, he’s back again, buying a third ticket. So the girl in the ticket office said, “Do you realize, sir, that’s the third time you have bought a ticket?” So the drunk replied, “Yeah, but every time I get to the cinema, some man takes it from me and tears it in half.” Got it, huh? (Yes.)
A husband said to [his] wife… Again. “Honey, when I see you in that hat, I laugh.” So the wife said, “Good. I’ll put it on when the bills come in.” See if you’re still laughing or not.
“Hallo, John,” Joe said to John. They met each other for the first time since the war’s end, “Did you marry that girl you used to go out with, or are you still doing your own cooking and ironing?” He said, “Yes.” “Yes” means, “married and still cooking and ironing.” He just said “Yes.” He didn’t say, “Yes and not doing cooking and ironing.”
The wife: “Look at the old clothes I have to wear. If people came to visit, they would think I was the cook.” So the husband said, “Well, they would change their minds if they stayed for dinner.” OK, guys. We call it quits for now. (Yes.) Is that OK with you? (Yes.)
Photo Caption: “Such a Regal Expression of Art, from Whom??”
